#6, 786, 990, 802 Salad and Other Kalesque Rumblings from my Kitchen

If your refrigerator is now fortified with Hale Fucken Kale Salad, you’ve probably started figuring out how overwhelmingly versatile it is. It’s like a dietary swiss army knife. A handful or two adds a healthy padding to pizzas, burritos, stir-fry ups, savory sandwiches, stews, soups and any egg or pasta dish. Almost needless to say, it also stands on its own as a rarified side.

Here’s a rundown of how to work it into din-din, based on my own trials and errors:

Pizza: Sprinkle it on over the sauce and under any other topping.

Burritos: Duh. If you have to be told how to put something in a burrito you probably don’t know how to read, either, so you’re probably not reading this. Finely chopping some jalapeño and adding it to your burrito-bound kale salad is a good idea. A squeeze of lime wouldn’t be amiss, either.

Stir-fry ups: Kale salad takes about 3-5 minutes to cook up tenderly on a medium heat. Pour a smidge of olive oil in a pan and heat it well before adding any veggies. If you’re using broccoli or some other hard vegetable that takes a while to cook, throw it in first. I like my vegetables on the crunchy side, so add more time if you don’t. Season with soy sauce or ponzu and salt n pepper. This is delicious with yer traditional rice, but red quinoa is a faddish favorite right now.

Sandwiches: After you condiment-ize yer bread, press a handful of salad onto one slice. Place something wide and flat over it, like a tomato or cheese. A slab of dead animal, if you must.

For stews and soups, I add the salad about 15-20 minutes before I serve it. Let it simmer in there and get juicy so it doesn’t float on the top.

I only eat eggs in one specific recipe that my sister rocked into my world, so don’t listen to me about how to cook eggs. I do know that if you are whisking your eggs together before slipping them into your hot frying pan, a hearty cup of kale salad cooks up nicely when whisked with the eggs. This would also work nicely with quiche, or baked eggs.

Pasta: all depends on which pasta dish you’re making. In general, a nice quick sautéing of the kale salad just prior to assembly works well. Mince some garlic and simmer it in a smidge of olive oil so it gets nice n’ meldy. Add the kale salad and stir it around for the requisite 3-5 minutes. Plate your pasta, add a layer of kale salad and top it off with sauce.

Yer golden.

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Two of my all time favorite kale salad recipes are Guacamole and a little ditty I call #6, 786, 990, 802 Salad.

Guacamole is super easy and—if you want it to be consistently tasty—super seasonal. If the avocados come from further away than California, they’ve traveled too far. Yes, they keep well because they can be picked when they’re rock hard. But I fig, if something has to travel thousands of miles to get to me, it’s taking up too much wealth and energy. It makes me tired to think about it, much less eat it. You might enjoy 45.00 Christmas guacamole. Whatever floats your boat.

I’ve found it best to buy unripe avocados and let them get soft in a bowl on the counter. If you buy ripe ones in the store, there’s a fair-to-middling chance you’re actually buying an unripe avocado that’s badly bruised, and in it’s trauma, tricking you that it’s ripe. You will never have a bruised avocado if you buy the granite fuckers, which means planning ahead. If you want guacamole next week, buy avocados today.

This recipe is so easy  I am almost embarrassed to share it. It’s right out of that semi-homemade lady’s cooking show. Sandra whatever?

Next up: track down Gordito’s Chipotle Salsa. I am from California a.k.a. Mexico since the 1848 treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was never honored. My dad paid us kids $5.00 each when we could eat a chile verde and chile colorado burrito from Olivera’s. The chile colorado was rich like lava. The sauce pot was never empty. Every day more ingredients were added. The viscosity of hot fudge. Mmmm. Anyway, Gorditos is like that. Find it.

Pour in a healthy dollop per avocado. Also a good measurement for your kale salad: a handful per avocado.

Maybe some lime.

You will faint from the goodness. When you come to, eat it by itself, with chips, in burritos or in fish tacos.

 

Lastly and not leastly, #6, 786, 990, 802 Salad.

Here’s how that goes:

Go with a can tuna per two people. I like it in water, some folks like it in oil. I drain the water off, some folks like their tuna salad to be runny and/or greasy. Whatever you like.

Two handfuls or so of kale salad per can of tuna.

1-2 (I go with 2) fatty Kyuri a.k.a. Japanese pickle, chopped chunky. These pickles are one of my latest food obsessions. They taste like cucumbers (as opposed to dill or sweet pickles, which do not taste like cucumbers at all), are slightly salty, light and crunchy. A recipe will follow as soon as I am bored with Uwajimaya’s vast selection. Could take a minute.

2 spoons of mayo. How big should the spoon be, you ask? How creamy, bordering into greasy do you like your food? I use soup-sized spoons.

Salt, pepper, lemon juice. Don’t ask how much. Taste it and see what’s best.

Mix all together. Let it meld with a cover over the bowl (I use a plate) for 20 minutes or so before eating. If you plan to eat it later, refrigerate and let the flavors meld at room temperature before serving. Melding rocks.

I’m not wheat free, but I’ve looked into the concerns about wheat-based diets, saw the reasoning and shifted to having a non-wheat based diet. This means there is no force on earth that can keep me out of World Pizza, but I seek out ways to enjoy food with something other than two slabs of bread. In this case, I tried #6, 786, 990, 802 Salad with Cabo Loco’s sesame blue corn chips, and OH MY GOD. It was like when you look at someone and just know you are going to end up having awesome, fun, fabulous sex together. It’s the only way I will ever eat #6, 786, 990, 802 Salad. Don’t get Garden of Eatin’s sesame blue corn chips as a substitute. They are fine for guacamole when you’re drinking beer and scratching yer ass, but megatons too thick for #6, 786, 990, 802 Salad. If you can’t find Cabo Loco then just eat a sandwich. Might be good with saltines too.

I’m fully, painfully aware the tuna industry is a nightmare. Even this dolphin safe bullshit. How do I really know no dolphins were harmed in this bloodbath of a tuna slaughter? How do I know I haven’t actually been eating 40% dolphin and 60% tuna my entire life? We should not be eating tuna. The tuna industry is ##6, 786, 990, 802 of things that humans should not be doing at this point in history.

I eat it sparingly. I want to have freshish memories of eating tuna by the time all the tuna are gone. I feel this way about lots of things and have since punk rock came into my life when I was a teenager and I realized we were on a path of total destruction. And don’t “sustainable” and “green energy” me because I will “Fukushima” and “BP Oil Spill” you.

It’s not like, “I’m gonna fucken totally enjoy tuna while I can. I mean, why should I be exempt from the fruits of this mad slaughter? Why should it be me that makes these sacrifices?”

No, not like that at all.

But like, I’m gonna mindfully and joyfully part(y)ake here. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of this tuna and feel it coursing through my veins and feel just awesome with that precious, sacred life humming inside of me. I will remember tuna. That’s pretty much all you can do for a dying friend, isn’t it? Party together and remember. Laugh. Good sad times. Sad good times. I salute all the mighty tuna clan and say, “You fucken tunas are the rad badass muscle truckers of the sea. Everyone is gonna miss you, especially the dolphins, who are also headily doomed:

Bon appetít!