Fiction

The Blogger Who Spam-”Liked” Me

cat on a string

[8:03 AM]

Look! I have just posted a photo on my blog, of Lord Chubbington dancing on a string. Isn’t he adorable?

OK, it’s time to engage in some meaningful blog marketing and get people — a lot of people — to see Lord Chubbington. You see, the best way to do this is on the WordPress Reader, which is perhaps the most ingenious invention in the history of blogging, like, ever. I simply have to type the topic — “humor,” in my case, but feel free to type anything you feel like “reading” — in the search box, hit enter, and voìla!

See that “Like” button underneath every post? That’s my secret weapon. Although, if you’re reading this, I guess it’s no secret anymore.

First post. Click. Second post. Click. Third post. Click. Clickety-click-click.

Phew. Fifty-seven posts “Liked” in a minute. That’s got to be a personal best or something. Wait, what’s this? “On a Different Type of Spam”? Sheesh. Why do these bloggers keep whining about spam? Let’s see what this particular whiner has to say.

Click.

“Spam-liking”? Really? They have a label for that now? Basically, they label me as a spammer? Oh. My. God. What has the world come to? Ah, see, there’s a poll, too! What do you think is an appropriate punishment for spammers? Let’s view the results.

GO ALL CHUCK NORRIS ON THEIR ASSES.

 

What the — LOL. As if that is going to happen. Who the heck does this guy think he is? Kokkieh — what kind of name is that, anyway? Is it African or something? I don’t care what you think, biatch. My blog is awesomesauce and I can get the “Likes” you get in a month, in a matter of minutes. Minutes! And need I remind you, I have been Freshly Pressed? Have you? Ha!

OK, let’s go back to clicking. Oh, wait. I forgot to “Like” this post.

Click.

[9:27 AM]

Man, clicking on hundreds of stars each day sure is exhausting. Let’s take a break. Why don’t I make some tea, and let Lord Chubbington play with the mouse a little bit.

“Come here, Lord Chubbington. Come here. Chubby chubby. Chubby chubby. Chubby chubby chubby Chubbington.”

Meow.

“There you are. Do you wanna help mommy?”

Meow.

“Good boy. Now sit over here, and click on that roundish white thingy — There you go! Now scroll a bit, scroll a bit — And — Click! Good job!”

Lord Chubbington is so smart, isn’t he? I am, too, because I was the one who trained him to “Like” all these posts for me. Brilliant, right? You see, this way, I so totally have plausible deniability.

Now, for that tea.

[10:12 AM]

I don’t know why these people hate me! Sniff sniff. I’m not doing anything wrong! All I want to do is to share my beautiful blog with the wonderful photos of the adorable, irreplaceable Lord Chubbington, and to brighten up their day! Sniff sniff. Why do you hate me, Kokki — Kokka — What’s-his-name! And all those people who voted to go all Chuck Norris on me!

Did I not “Like” your posts? Did I not “Like” everybody’s posts? Did I not — Isn’t that a noble thing to do? The way I see it, I’m actively encouraging up-and-coming bloggers everywhere by making them think that I think that their post is ah-mazing. More “Likes” means more posts means more social interaction means a more fabulous WordPress community!

And at the same time I can drive loads of visitors to my blog to see the cute, chubby Lord Chubbington. That way, they’ll go “aww” and be less likely to hurt anyone or to become an extremist-terrorist. See? I’m actively contributing towards world peace! Win-win.

Meow.

“What is it, honey? Oh — Are you done?”

Meow.

“Look at that! Good job! Thank you, Lord Chubbington. Here’s some milk.”

[4:16 PM]

Wow. “Lord Chubbington on a string” has 1,176 views, 366 “Likes,” and 134 comments! Oh, how they love me!

Someone’s banging on the door.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Chuck Norris. Open up!”

Oh, crap.