Too Posh for Porn

Photo by Public Domain Images.Licensed CC0.

Photo by Public Domain Images.
Licensed CC0.


I was once asked if I had any sense of a missed calling in life. I believe so, I replied. A pornographer. That was a conversation killer. Well, my parents were disappointed enough in me already, and I probably shouldn’t have been so honest. But it made me think: why not? All you really need is a bit of business savvy and a passion for what you do, and I had both. So I counted my pennies, made a few calls, and it began.

After about a year I had converted a warehouse into a fully-functioning pornographic studio. I had a good business partner and film director in Rodd Steed (an ex-porn actor himself, as you may have guessed) a small crew, a steady stream of actors, a good solicitor and accountant, and the time to develop ‘scripts.’ A couple of years down the line, I was carving out quite a lucrative niche in arty intergenerational lesbian flicks. The website was doing very nicely. We also had websites for the stock hetero, bi and gay stories involving men and women of the trades, emergency services and military, and babysitters, teachers, bored housewives, the occasional dominatrix and anything else we could come up with.

But this story…well, it was something different. How it started was, I’d come up with a story wherein an aristocratic type, the domineering Lady Felchington, instructs her two maids in the art of making whoopee. That delightful old folk tale. Problem was, no Lady F. I tried out a few of the regulars, but no one could get near the accent, or the bearing. I’d told the story here and there to various associates, put the word about, but no joy. I wasn’t that obsessed with it, so I let it go. However, a few months pass, and I get a call from a friend, a jeweller in London, who knows people. He reminds me of the Lady F thing, and tells me that he’s heard on the grapevine of an actual Lady, down on her luck. But where it gets interesting is that apparently, she’d been selling intimate favours to high rollers for a year or more. The family had nearly gone bankrupt in the recession, and the estate was on the chopping block. Seems it was left in her lap to sort it out. I could picture myself, saying what a pity it would be to lose the estate and have to move to the suburbs. Ouch. But I could imagine that if she was already fucking for money, then how much of a leap could this really be? I got Paul to have a discrete word, and almost entirely to my surprise, he said she’d call me. About a week later, the phone goes.

‘Hello?’

‘Mr Diamond?’ No mistaking that accent.

‘Call me Eric. I take it you are Lady Rathbone?’

‘Call me Penny.’ I loved her accent. Her tone was difficult to pin down though.

‘Penny. Thanks for calling. Look, I’ll get right to it. How do you feel about doing an adult film?’

‘Needs must. How much do you pay?’ She was straight to the point too.

‘Depends what goes on. Basic would be a couple of grand or so, then there’s extras.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, such as…ahem…such as femdom, strap-on…ahem…that sort of thing. But it’s all negotiable.’ Her accent was doing my head in a bit. It just doesn’t feel right talking to a posh middle-aged women about this kind of thing. If you doubt me, you try it.

‘I see. Well, I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.’ I thought for a moment.

‘Penny. Are you sure you’re up to this?’

‘Quite. As I said. Needs must.’

‘Right you are, Penny. You know where to find me?’

‘Your friend gave me your coordinates.’

‘Er, right. How are you fixed for the fifth?’

‘The fifth is fine. I’ll see you then.’

And that was how it started. In this business, you are constantly living in a world between worlds. Everybody’s thinking sex at some point in their day, untold people watch porn, or sleep with prostitutes…but it’s so very hush-hush in our nation. That means it’s peopled by those who are able to embrace that world. So, you get used to fringe characters, you get used to strange. But this was a new one on me.

Penny Rathbone’s big day rolls around but I can only get her fixed up with Astra Starr, a gorgeous young woman who is to sex what a ninja is to assassination. It means a change of storyline is all. So we’re sitting about on set; it’s a nice living room, and the action is to take place on a huge red Chesterfield sofa covered in sheepskins. Everything’s lit, the crew are hanging about, we’re having a cup of tea. Penny arrives in a gale of fragrant charm, like some West End luvvie. I have trouble keeping a straight face when she sails over to say hello.

‘Well then, Penny! Good to see you darlin’. You alright?’ I give her a peck on the cheek; she smells like gold bars.

‘I’m very well indeed, thank you. And this is…?’ she indicates Astra.

‘Ah yes, your co-star, Astra. Astra, this is Penny.’

‘Hiya Penny, you alright?’ Penny gives a polite wave and smile, then looks around, eyebrows raised. It dawns on me that she’s looking for a bloke.

‘Ah. Indeed. Er … Mr Diamond? A moment?’ She drags me off out the room, smiling at one and all as we leave. Outside, she fixes me with a look.

‘Am I to understand that you would like me to…act, with this young lady?’

‘That’s right.’ I smile as encouragingly as I can, trying to make it all seem perfectly normal.

‘Hm. This wasn’t part of the arrangement, now was it?’

‘Well…I don’t see that we’d discussed any specifics on the phone.’

‘But I am not a lesbian, Mr Diamond.’

‘Call me Eric. And nor’s she. She’s bi as it goes, but this is work. I imagine you never heard the phrase ‘gay for pay’ before. Loads of blokes do it. So they say. Think of it that way if you must.’

‘Good Lord.’

‘You’ll be in good hands, I assure you.’

‘I see.’

‘Look, would it be worth it for 5k?’

‘Well…I imagine it most likely would be.’

‘And this is just the start. This goes well, you’ll make a killing. This is easy money. You do a little for the punters, they do a lot more for you. As long as you look after yourself, you’ll never look back. But it’s your decision, no one else’s. It all comes down to what’s most important to you.’

‘An associate of mine gave me much the same speech.’ I never saw a human being actually thinking elegantly until this moment. Then she just gives me this little look, a subtle shift around her features that says she’s on board.

‘Penny? I think you might even enjoy it, if you let yourself.’

Do you?’

I smiled.

‘Suck it and see, eh?’

Half an hour later we’re into it. The script, which I’d had to write in the two minutes after Julie Sukk phoned to say she couldn’t make it for the Lady Felchington shoot, becomes an issue from the word go. Penny’s ‘outside,’ about to enter the lounge. Astra, playing Jenny, is moping about on the sofa, waiting for Penny to come in, as Miss Cuthbert, her piano tutor. Jenny has to tell her she’s gambled away her tuition money, then Penny’s supposed to offer her money for some sexy favours. But.

‘Mr Diamond?’

‘Call me Eric.’

‘Eric…I’m not sure about these lines.’

‘Lines?’

‘Yes. It says here, “Ooh yes, eff my pussy with your tongue.”’

‘And?’

‘Well…Eric…I’m just not comfortable with bad language.’

I was caught right out.

‘Err, this is pornography, Penny. This girl is going to fuck you with a strap-on dildo, after about twenty minutes of oral sex, fingering, and possibly arse-licking if you’re up to it. At what point do you think that bad language might get to be appropriate, in this particular context?’

‘There’s no need for sarcasm Mr Diamond.’

‘Well look, just do your best, okay? Do what comes naturally.’

None of this is coming especially naturally, I assure you,’ she says icily. I look at her beautiful eyes, those fine bones, that poise, effortless elegance, and I want to comfort her, tell her she looks radiant, but to be honest I’m as lost as she is. It’ll be whatever it’ll be.

We finally got them rolling, and to be honest, I begin to see the funny side of it. Penny walks in from left of frame. Acting is atrocious.

‘Hello…Jenny dear! I hear you’ve got yourself into…rather a spot of bother.’ She’s standing there, one hand on her hip, this mad look on her face. Astra’s a shit actress too, but for porn, she’s right where she needs to be.

‘Oh yes, it’s terrible, Miss Cuthbert.’

‘Oh, call me…er…um…Imelda.’

Astra’s face is a picture. She knows Penny’s forgotten her lines already and is just waffling. Somehow though, they seemed desperately locked in some weird alternate reality where their lives depended on them getting this done in one take.

‘Well, Imelda? I lost my tuition…gambling?’

‘I see. Horses was it? Lost a packet on the derby this year myself.’ Astra’s eyes are like saucers—I’m wondering if she’s about to get the giggles. Penny’s so nervy she’s just letting any old bollocks come out.

‘Er. Well, anyway…I lost the money.’ She gives Penny a significant look.

‘Yes. That really is too bad. Shocking. Awful. Tut tut.’ She’s gone totally blank, shifting from one foot to the other, looking miles away.

Sssooo…is there anything you can think of…that we could do about that?’

‘Hm. Er. Such as?’

‘Well…we could…you know.’ Astra’s waggling her eyebrows like a lunatic, making faces at her fullsome cleavage and short skirt.

Oh! Ah yes! Of course. Why did I not think of that? How silly of me! We could just have sex and you could have some money orf of me in return. Problem solved! Well then!’ She suddenly claps her hands and rubs them, making Astra and the entire crew jump. ‘We should get started then, should we not?’

‘Shh-sure. Er, do you want to come over here?’ she pats the sofa with a look of faint horror.

‘Well, of course! I’ll just sit over there, by you!’ She strides over, elbows pumping like she’s power walking. It was easily the weirdest porn I’d ever shot. Already.

‘Do you want me to take my clothes off?’ Astra’s desperately trying to be sexy, but the strain is making her perspire.

‘Oh Good Lord yes! Get ‘em orf girl! Wa-hey!’

‘O-okay.’

Astra strips off her top and bra grimly, climbing onto Penny’s lap, who’s still grinning inanely and looking jolly enthusiastic and completely uncomfortable about everything. Astra leans down and kisses Penny, who starts making loud mmm noises, the fake way a parent does when eating a forkful of vegetables off their kid’s plate. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. But it’s riveting.

Astra finally sits back, and looks Penny in the eye. Penny looks back. Astra’s expression hardens into one of icy determination. It’s on. Penny’s eyes widen as Astra swoops on her and forces her tongue into her mouth. As she tries to mmm Astra kisses her harder, stroking and squeezing her right breast. She suddenly leans back and rips Penny’s cardigan off, then reaches round amid the gollies and goshes and unzips her dress. She yanks it down with a look of triumph and leans back a little. Sitting facing her co-star, she gives a Penny a look that says: you’re gettin’ it.

After a few minutes of insistent kissing, stroking, and nuzzling of neck, Penny’s in a sort of trance. She goes limp while Astra explores her breasts, which are amazing for her age, then makes her way south. She pushes Penny down onto the sofa and licks her from head to toe. It’s not often I get hard filming these days, but this has a remarkable weight of reality about it. Penny’s now panting, soaking wet and utterly at the mercy of Astra, who’s smiling to herself I notice.

It goes great until it’s Penny’s turn, then the nonsense starts again. She’s kissing Astra’s body like she’s kissing a family member. Silly little pecks here and there. At least she’s stopped the mmm-ing. After a few seconds Astra knows what’s up and starts to wriggle. She’s gyrating and undulating enough to make Penny seasick. She then grabs Penny’s head and pushes it against her right nipple, growling ‘Suck it, for fuck’s sake! Suck my nipple!’

Penny sits up, looks at her blankly for a moment, then her eyes screw up and she just flips.

Total. Wild. Animal.

Poor little Astra—like a kitten on a rollercoaster she is. I’m trying not to laugh. This fifty-something member of the landed gentry, trying to save the family castle by getting a bit of cock in front of the cameras—now letting all her frustrations boil over on a 19-year old woman and her every erogenous zone. She bites, sucks, scratches, swearing like a salty sea dog—it’s an incredible show. Might be the first time in my life I felt like I was actually exploiting someone.

Astra, with fear in her eyes, motions towards the strap-on on the sideboard. Penny lunges at it, then swears and curses as she tries to get the thing on, then, with a flourish, she rears back on her knees, hissing, ‘Well then, how do you want it, girly?’ She’s like the wicked witch of the west. Except with a 9” black plastic cock strapped to her pubis.

The next 15 minutes is eye-watering stuff. On the plus side, we get two fantastic orgasms out of Astra. Penny gets a standing ovation. She leans down, kisses Astra on the cheek, then walks over to her dressing gown saying, ‘Now, where’s my bloody cup of tea?’

After patching them both up, we film a very moving cunnilingus scene, and Astra coaxes a hefty, grunting orgasm out of Penny. By the time it’s over we all feel like we’ve sat through the porn equivalent of a Liszt piano concerto. I’ve no idea what the punters will make of it.

Two days after putting Old & Young IGL Fun 17 (Astra Starr vs. Anna Bella) on the site, we had a flood of emails like I’ve never seen. The amount of downloads crashed the servers—and then it went viral. Everyone wanted to know who this new actress was. They wanted to know how it happened. It even crept into the national papers. Was it a spoof, a hoax? We had to post a new intro, explaining that this was indeed a new kid on the block. The pleas for more rolled in. A star was born.

The first call to Penny afterwards was strange. As expected. She still seemed to be in shock. She refused to see herself in action, and actually talked litigation until I told her we’d pay her £7k for one with a guy. It took only a day for her to say yes. She was in her comfort zone there, and most enthusiastic about Jonny Buck’s equipment. We did two more movies before she quit. She was being offered crazy money to go and shake it in the U.S., and off she went.

I didn’t hear from her again until a couple of years later. Called me up and asked would I like to visit her at her home, the estate that had set these particular wheels in motion. Naturally I was fascinated.

And so it was that we found ourselves on a huge patio overlooking the landscaped gardens, sipping Pimms No.1 on a warm summer evening in Bucks. She had a faraway look in her eyes, and spoke slowly. I got the sense she wanted me to soak it all up, to really appreciate why she’d done it all.

‘This house…was built by my great great great grandfather. A looong time ago.’ She stopped, and I nodded…waiting for her to continue.

‘Oh yes?’

‘Hm?’

‘Oh, I was just saying. You said it was built by your great great grandfather.’

‘Yes.’

‘Mm.’

‘Do you know…how many women have run this house?’ I opened my mouth to speak, but she said, ‘One. Me.’

‘Right. Hm. That’s, er…’

‘I saved this house. To do so I had sex with…I’m not sure how many people. In the United States I became a partner in an adult film company, as you probably know, and am now in talks about buying into a documentary film company. I never have to lift a finger again. Ever. This house…stays the Rathbone house.’

‘That’s good, Penny. I’m glad you worked it out.’

She turned to me, looking sincere.

‘Thank you, Mr Diamond. Eric. It would not have happened without you. And do give this to Astra. She was also…instrumental.’ Penny reached down and took from her bag a small gift-wrapped box.

‘I’ll see she gets it.’

‘And for you.’ She passed me another, just like it. ‘Just a little something.’

‘Penny. I don’t know what to say.’

‘You needn’t say anything.’

‘Well, thank you. You’re very kind.’

‘Did I do the right thing … do you think?’ she asked, absently.

‘Well, look Penny. I’ve been in the game for a while now, and I’ve seen untold people do it for the same reasons, over and over again. If you’re cut out for it, why not? People can clean up, get themselves set up…to do whatever they want. Never have another money worry, or boss. If they don’t get a habit, that is.’

‘Hm?’

‘Coke?’

‘Ah yes. Met a few friends of that powder in America.’

‘You would do, yeah.’

‘Indeed. Well. Would you care to stay for some supper, Eric? We have a first-rate chef these days.’

‘You know, I think I’ll hit the road, if it’s all the same. Get back to my castle. Long drive.’

‘Surely. Well. Don’t be a stranger.’ She smiled, and it was a joy to see that smile.

‘You too, Penny.’ I reached down to give her a peck on the cheek, and took the gifts with me. The last image I have of her was that sort of faraway look she had, a sort of quiet satisfaction. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Heading down that drive, I felt a swell of something unusual. I think that in that moment I actually felt good about what I did with my life, and it was strange to feel that way. We all bump up against one another, in a million little ways, and we all change the course of each other’s lives as we do. I didn’t get into porn on some mission to make people’s lives better, but I helped Penny help herself, and that felt good, made me feel humble, not the way I usually feel about my profession. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with helping people get off, but it’s not exactly noble is it? I’m good at it, is all. When you find something you’re good at, it’s hard not to see if you can make a living at it.

However, you never know, maybe this is the year I look at doing something else, maybe something genuinely noble. What, in this world, might suit an ex-pornographer?