Ladies and gentlemen it is my distinct honor, my creative expression, and my spiritual calling to welcome you aboard flight 837 to Orlando. Speaking is your flight attendant: Grammy-winning artist, fashion innovator, and most polarizing man on the planet—Kanye West. Before takeoff I gotta walk through safety information because order is divine. Chaos is creation without purpose. My product was always helping people. JetBlue gave me back my product.
Your seatbelt should be fastened tightly across your waist. It should feel like the truth—uncomfortable, humbling. Turbulence comes for everyone. Y’all know my story. Y’all seen me on TMZ. There are six exits on this aircraft. Two at the front, two at the back, two over the wings. In life, exits don’t usually appear until you’re ready to walk through them. Contracts, running for president, Pete Davidson—all exits in disguise. Find a real way out. Use it. Ye did.
Please store all carry-on items in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of you. For years, I put my baggage anywhere I wanted. If cabin pressure dips, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Secure yours first before helping others. That ain’t selfish. That’s sacred. I ain’t doing this for my kids, my ex-wives, my lawyers. I’m doing this for me. We gotta help ourselves before we help the world. Ask Walt Disney. Ask Nike. Ask Google. Ask our pilot, Captain Lance Bagwell.
During takeoff, seatbacks and tray tables must be upright. Hear that click? That snap? Percussion. Rhythm. The static from this mic is auto-tune. The sound of our engines defeating gravity is the beat. Existence is music. I used to think the world needed another album, another concert, but all the world really needed was a ginger ale and pretzels. That’s art. That’s healing. That’s a free pair of Yeezys for everyone on this flight.
Y’all my crowd now. I don’t need Lollapalooza. I need to collect trash and, if interested, sign you up for a Barclays credit card. Located under your seat is a floatation device. We’re all passengers traveling through life—bad things happen. Out your window you’ll see darkness. That ain’t a metaphor, that’s night. Darkness has meaning. We’re in a machine built by human hands, held together by invisible forces. That’s engineering. That’s faith. After darkness, there’s always light. Physically, we’ll be flying at 36,000 feet tonight. Spiritually, we’ll be painting the Sistine Chapel with Michelangelo.
I fight old Kanye every day. The truth is I never felt better in my life, but y’all saw how much it took to get here. I’m still wild. I still get jealous. I still miss my mom. Don’t give up. Keep fighting old you. I’m a creative genius! I’m a bigger artist than the Beatles and Mike combined! I built the pyramids! I parted the seas! Mark Zuckerberg. Kris Jenner. Adidas. People need Kanye West. People need…nah. My bad, y’all. He still gets out. Knowledge don’t free you from it. Water your garden. Self-analyze. Find your exit. That’s love. That’s freedom. That’s Ye.
I say this from the depths of my soul: thank y’all for choosing JetBlue. Have a relaxing flight to Orlando.
[After a long pause, the intercom crackles back on]
I’ma only do it once, so don’t nobody ask again. Get y’all phones ready. I’ll wait.
We on top of the world, baby!
We on top of the wooorrrllldddddd!
