SUFFERING SQUATCH ATTACK!!!

Stern, Bennett, and Schultz allegedly assassinated by former SuperSonics mascot

Picture of Squatch taken in the Summer of 2009, the year after the Sonics were swindled away from Seattle.

Picture of Squatch taken in the Summer of 2009, the year after the Sonics were swindled away from Seattle.

Dateline – Oklahoma City Former NBA Commissioner David Stern, Oklahoma City Rustlers oil barons Clay Bennett and Aubrey McClendon were found dead this morning, mere days after former Sonics owner Howard Schultz was found assassinated on Friday in what many are calling a daring attack by former Sonics mascot, Squatch.

Police are now searching for reliable eyewitnesses, having decided that the testimony from the members of the Girls Scout Daisies #357 out of Renton, WA is too outrageous to be considered. How the Renton Daisies ended up bound, gagged and blindfolded deep inside Bennett’s compound is still a mystery, though the young girls have talked about feeling sleepy after eating the Thin Mints offered by a big buffalo, who is rumored to be Rumble the Bison, the OKC Thunder’s mascot.

As to why the little girls were there, Oklahoma City Police are not forthcoming. “We surely don’t know why y’all’s chillun are here,” Sheriff’s Deputy R.P. Coltrane said during a press conference this morning, “as surely as we ain’t know why there was so many inhalants and rubber instruments found on the premises.” A sign welcoming the Dark Ones was seen being carried out of the bunker where the Daisies were held.

According to Aaron the Axeman, spokesperson for the Old Ones Seattle, “Our people in Oklahoma assure us there weren’t any ceremonies being held in Nyarlathotep’s honor. Maybe one of the lower, less reputable Old Ones, though. Sheb-Teth, the Devourer of Souls, or Uitzilcapac, Lord of Pain, for example, they’d truck with McClendon.”

Then there is the allegation that Squatch is responsible for the deaths of the loathsome trio mere days after allegedly assassinating the Starbucks CEO. The severity of this accusation is mitigated slightly when Squatch is also credited with freeing the Daisies.

Eight-year old Allecia Vermillion claims to have been awake for the entire rescue operation/killing spree. According to Vermillion, Squatch freed the Scouts, then he “shot McClendon, and he blew up Stern, and he tied Bennett” to an anthill where he was smeared with grape jelly, “and then the ants ate him up.”

“It was awesome,” exclaimed fellow Daisy and eight-year old Hanna Brooks Olsen. “Then he got out this head, jumped on a trampoline, flipped upside down and dunked it in the basket,” she added.

“It’s true,” said Sarah Anne Lloyd, another Daisy from Renton. Deputy Coltrane later confirmed the presence of a decapitated head in the compound, but refused to identify the victim. A source close to the investigation says that it belonged to Schultz.

Squatch, the last Seattle Supersonics mascot, is a member of the Bigfoot family. The assassination of all the victims was carried out by means of long-range sniper rifle, according to the Oklahoma City Police Department. This is said to coincide with facts that have come out since Friday’s assasination and pursuant decapitation of Howard Schultz, regarding Squatch’s lost years after the Seattle Supersonics were moved to its current home. Pictures have since surfaced of Squatch training with Idaho militia-men, as well as well-worn copies of SOLDIER OF FORTUNE found in Squatch’s last known Seattle hutch.

Lloyd added, “Also! He gave us this,” then she procured a card that she claims was given to the Daisy troupe: Squatch’s Sonics bubblegum card with the latin phrase, Ut Sementem Feceris Ita Metes, (As You Reap so too Shall ye Sow) and Squatch’s family motto, Noli timere messorum (Don’t Fear the Reaper!) written in red on the reverse side.

Squatch was last seen heading West-Northwest outside of Durango, CO, where a band of itinerant singing preachers from the Church of Elvis, who were proselytizing in the area. “Thank you,” said their spokesperson, “thank you ver’ much.” They did release the following footage, saying that it was captured by one of their members, who refuses to talk after the harrowing experience.

Former Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels could not be reached for comment.