Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s Secret Passion

Gertrude blows Mix a secretive kiss.
Gertrude blows Mix a secretive kiss.

Local reporters and music fans were shocked when an anonymous whistle blower in the music business revealed that Sir Mix-A-Lot has had a lifelong secret obsession with Gertrude from The J.P. Patches Show.

Apparently this Seattle icon’s private recording studio is plastered with images of Gertrude in various revealing and seductive poses. Even more shocking is the claim by Chris Belew that Mix-A-Lot’s famous song “Baby’s Got Back” was actually written about Gertrude, J.P.’s butch girlfriend.

In a secret tape recording uncovered by The Stranger‘s editor Dominic Holden, Mix-A-Lot is heard telling Chris Belew, “Look, I’m just saying, that girl had a great butt!”

Belew and the rest of the Presidents of the United States of America are heard laughing hysterically in the background. Mix-A-Lot complains, “Hey, don’t be hating on me! You guys are assholes!”

According to The Stranger, the secret tape ends with the sounds of crashing furniture and breaking glass.

This recording finally explains why Mix and The Presidents’ collaborative music project fell by the wayside and why the infamous CD was never released. During an exclusive interview with Rolling Stone, Chris Belew admitted that the disagreements between the band and the rapper started when Sir Mix-A-Lot insisted on calling their CD “Gertrude’s Got Back!”

Other unnamed witnesses claim that the ill-fated recording project was cancelled because both the Presidents and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s manager refused to support it.

In response to questions from the media, Mix-A-Lot’s only statement was “Mind your own business! At least I got a Porsche and a hit song. Leave me alone!”

As he drove away with his posse on Broadway, Mix was heard to say, “Let’s go pick up some burgers at Dick’s Drive-In. I’m hungry!”

Meanwhile, local music fans and investigative journalists are still trying to obtain a bootleg copy of the infamous music recorded by The Presidents of the United States and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

When we contacted representatives for the J.P. Patches estate at the city dump they were unavailable for comment. They were busy talking to magical clocks, conversing with bookworms and listening to a creepy Raggedy Ann doll named Esmerelda. It was business as usual at the famous clown’s historic residence.

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