National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell stunned the sports world yesterday announcing that the Seattle Seahawks must forfeit the Super Bowl title they captured last February. Goodell said that every member of the Seahawks’ 70-man roster flunked drug tests the night before their victory over the Denver Broncos. Players were found with amphetamines, barbiturates, PED, rBGH, steroids, marijuana, alcohol, caffeine and Skittles in their blood streams.
Seahawks’ coach Pete Carroll said he was shocked by the allegations. Perhaps out of force of habit, Carroll added that he was also shocked to hear that an alumni bought a car for Reggie Bush when Carroll coached at USC.
With the surrender of the title, the Super Bowl runner-up Denver Broncos would technically be the champs. However several Broncos also flunked a drug test for marijuana and in the case of quarterback Peyton Manning, excessive amounts of Papa John’s Pizza and Milk of Magnesia. The entire defensive line confessed that during the game they were less concerned with tackles than with twenty-sacks.
Rumors have circulated that some Broncos actually passed the drug test with the help of fake pee, to which Wes Welker said, “That pee was definitely not fake. I should know because I got it from the dog myself.” When asked about which cheerleader he thought was the hottest, Welker replied, “Huh?”
Broncos boss John Elway admitted there may have been some mix-up as the doctors adminstering the test were stoned out of their minds, and the kits had not arrived in time to digest properly. He also confessed to having read the Twilight series four times. “I tell you, Port Angeles was just like that when I was a kid,” he said.
With the more-than-likely forfeiture of both teams in the Super Bowl, the Speaker of the House becomes the new Super Bowl champ, having defeated the entire Buffalo Bills by a score of 21-6 in a one-game playoff. Mr. Speaker says that it is an honor, but admits that he could probably do better if he had his very own bowl instead of having to take from two teams and pass.