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My Fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I deliver this speech today. In my time as the 46th President of the United States, I have seen devastation, war, greed, poverty, and crime. I have seen policy after policy, written as if it were for your benefit, to prevent some tacit evil, that in reality, was paid for by a far greater evil. I have seen the depths of corruption of the American political system, and I have done my best to prevent it. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough.

It was not all bad, of course. I was very proud to be the president of this great nation in such exciting times. Under my leadership, America put two more rovers on Mars. We expanded the internet into what it is now, connecting the world on a far deeper level. We created a radical and effective new way to educate the youth. Under my presidency, I am certain that America has become the proud birthplace of more Nobel laureates than ever before. But what I am most proud of, and the reason I must make this speech today, is my involvement in the environmental talks in South America.

As a great deal of you know, I recently had the pleasure of meeting with the Shipibo people of Peru. We discussed what the United States plans to do in order to aid with the problems of deforestation and pollution in South America. The discussion was excellent. Many of their ideas are now legislation and I am very proud of that. As many of you also know, after this talk. Chief Besteti Shreati invited me to his village for the night, an opportunity I welcomed.

I shared a ceremonial meal and a pipe of very strong tobacco with the chief, as well as a drink they called Ayahuasca. At the time, I thought it was an alcoholic beverage. I thought the night would be two proud leaders sharing drinks and discussing the future aspirations of their great nations. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I want to be very clear. Chief Besteti did not swindle me in any way. The Shipibo people are kind and caring, and I do not regret drinking the Ayahuasca. However, I was unprepared for what it would show me. My fellow Americans, Ayahuasca is a powerful plant teacher. The Shipibo people understand this and I’m afraid in my foolish bravado I did not. I hope you will forgive me. I hope future textbooks will not describe me as the president of the Age of Aquarius, the president of the hippies. But friends. I’m afraid I have been changed irreparably from my experience.

In the half hour after I consumed this beverage, I began to vomit. Of course, this perturbed my Secret Service officers—they’re a real testament to the spirit of America, by the way. Let’s hear it for Secret Service Director, Randolph Alles and all the brave men and women that keep us safe—but Chief Besteti told them this was normal. I vomited and felt a cleansing spirit that forgave me of the evils I had to commit for the office of President. Then, Chief Besteti began to sing. He sang and blew sweet smoke over my body as I laid on the ground and stared at the stars. His songs became images that danced in front of my eyes. In my head, I saw great visions. I explored deep and ancient temples. I walked through desolate, echoing cities that crumbled beneath my feet, and formed at the line of the horizon. There, I contacted… well I don’t know how else to say it, beings —the servants of Gia, the earth mother. These beings taught me that all life is sacred. They showed me how to speak without words, and they made me forget myself. I thought I had died, until I realized we are all one. We are all the same spirit, channeled into different bodies. Our brains are like antennae that pick up a signals from the great cosmic consciousness. I know this doesn’t make any sense, but I know it’s real.

When I awoke the next morning, I thought maybe it was just a dream. Perhaps I saw the shadows of the trees that encircled me playing on the ground in a strange way. I denied even to myself what I learned until I returned to Washington. There, I found I was irreparably changed. I can no longer in good conscience continue waging war in the middle east; they are our brothers and sisters. I can’t stand by countries that turn a blind eye to slavery. I can’t stand by our own country torturing of prisoners of war.

It’s an unfortunate truth that these things exist. Moreover, it’s an uncomfortable truth that these things must exist, and the president must be the one who oversees them. Until we return to the state of nature, as naked apes living on the savanna and dissolve these concepts of property and self, I simply can’t be the one making the rules. I understand that this process can’t happen overnight. I understand change takes time. And I understand that the way things are now, if I don’t make decisions that will hurt people, I put our country at risk. So, my fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I must conclude that I am unable to carry out the responsibilities of the office. I am resigning the Presidency effective noon tomorrow. I hope that, as I did, you too can see that deceit and violence only hurts you and your fellow man. If you remember only one thing about my term, remember, we are all one. I’m sorry… I didn’t think I would cry. Christ. Forgive me, Americans. As of now, Vice President McKenna will take over as acting president. I wish you all the best and thank you for placing your trust in me. God bless America.

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