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Starbucks Tests Drone Fleet Deliveries

Wave of the future? Starbucks drones fly their wares to the waterfront.
Wave of the future? Starbucks drones fly their wares to the waterfront.

It’s well known that Amazon and Google have the jump on the government and private enterprise when it comes to drone deliveries that carry something other than death for 13 year-old Yemenis and Syrians.

Now there’s a new competitor in town.

Not to be outdone by Seattle’s other high-tech gurus, Starbucks has begun to test their own drone delivery system. Starbucks’ Chief Technology Officer, C.P. Sharkey can’t wait. “It’s the culmination of a lifetime’s addiction, and not just to coffee,” said Sharkey. He was also quick to point out its social value.

“Some people who have become really uncomfortable dealing with ni–black baristas during our #RaceTogether campaign now don’t have to be inconvenienced by the presence of another human being,” said Sharkey. “They can just swipe and pay and have an impersonal drone with a painted smiley face and vocal simulator deliver their order. It’s quite innovative.”

The proposed motto for the service is “For when you’re stuck in that drone job, and that expresso [sic] can’t possibly wait, try our drone job! Quick delivery, without all that racism!”

It’s not yet known whether the system is compatible with Apple Pay or whether Starbucks plan to use their own in-house payment system. When asked about Bitcoin, Sharkey replied, “We really don’t want to enter too much into a sharing economy. Besides, you can’t see whose money you’re taking that way, and we’re very open about our corporate raiding.”

The first deliveries were planned for earlier this morning at the busy WSDOT SR99 site. “Yeah,” said Sharkey, “they like to order a lot of Venti-Half-Caf-Half-Decaf Goat Milk Mocha Extra Hot with Dash of Madagascar Cinnamon drinks there. They don’t mind paying a little extra, since it’s taxpayer-funded anyway.”

Can Starbucks really compete with Google and Amazon on their home turf–or home sky? Time will tell. Meanwhile, human beings continue to draw funky patterns in foam while they anxiously await the results. Sharkey is optimistic for the future.

“No doubt about it: this will be a game changer.”