Crop Circle Found in Oregon; Republicans Blame Cylvia Hayes

Photo by Tristan Nitot.CC-BY-NC-SA.
Photo by Tristan Nitot.

When the crop circle appeared, few people knew it would lead to a public resignation.

Apparently, though, that’s what happened as J.T. Smegma contacted her local representative about a mysterious crop circle that she saw on Google Earth while her husband lay beside her, waiting for the computer so he could download more brony porn.

“I saw this…thing,” she said. “It looked alien. I absoluely knew that the government was behind it, so I called my Republican congressman who hates government as much as I do.”

What Mrs. Smegma reported was a sight quite unusual and inexplicable by standard Republican intelligence: a massive crop circle.

Upset by the failure of Google Fiber in Portland and a lack of campaign donations exceeding $5,000, Congressman Peter Keinherz immediately blamed then-governor John Kitzhaber and his fiancĂ©e Cylvia Hayes. “It simply had to be the place where she and her illegal alien husband planned to grow maryjooana. I mean, look: it’s obviously alien handiwork.”

After paying for several wiretaps over two years and at least $30,000 worth of imported whisky, Representative Keinherz and the IFO Joint Ways and Means Committee decided that enough was enough and insisted that Kitzhaber resign before they produced absolutely no evidence of alien invasion on his watch. “At first,” Kitzhaber remarked, “their proposal made absolutely no sense. But that’s politics.”

Republicans confronted Kitzhaber over the obvious relationship that the crop circle had to the tech industry, of which his first lady had some passing knowledge. A pair of 600K floppy disks that Ms. Hayes had formatted at least twice were said to be more than enough evidence of her deep investments in computer technology, and that such familiarity unfairly abused her position. Ms. Hayes would not comment on the evidence, but stated that she did indeed enjoy a cup of tea with her lunch but that it in no way made her un-American.

Google is known to have “something against Oregon,” said Rep. Keinherz. “This firmly proves that they are mocking us, therefore we need a Republican governor to bring back some spine into the state.” That the crop circle design actually seems to be that of the Mozilla corporation and their local MozPDX faction did not bother Rep. Keinherz.

“They’re all the same. They just want more deregulation and your money. Which, actually, is what I want. I object to their interference in the freedom of the individual to choose their own religious practice and to the shape of Le Panier’s French bread. Therefore the governor has no choice to to replace his dupes with ours.”

Eventually Kitzhaber agreed to resign in exchange for two bottles of whisky and a free two-hour consultancy with a Thai masseuse.

“I’m sure it’s all for the best, and in Oregon’s best interests,” the former governor said. “I failed miserably at getting the Columbia River Crossing done as governor, but perhaps now I can join the Seattle Tunnel Partners on their new project to tunnel beneath the river between downtown Portland and Vancouver.”

Bertha could not be reached for comment, as she was busy tweeting time-lapse videos of her recent 22-foot expedition.

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