Seattle Citizens Seize Initiative, Execute Tim Eyman

horsey-eyman-1033_t470Well-known conservative activist and self-styled initiative thing Tim Eyman experienced the effects of citizen action first-hand today when an angry mob of masked and hoodied Seattlites, identifying themselves only as, “The 695 Percent”, stormed the hotel where he was staying, dragging him out into the street and eventually executing him in mock medieval fashion.

Eyman was pilloried and pelted with rolls of toilet paper, reworked to resemble citizen’s initiative sign-up petitions. While in the stocks, he was also shot and stabbed several times, amid cries from angry crowd members of, “Initiate This!” and “Let’s see you put a cap on that Tim! Oh…no wait! Someone put a cap in you!”

Eyman was also set on fire at one point by a member of the mob, until a passer-by put the fire out by urinating on him. When asked why he intervened, the passer-by responded, “At first I thought the whole scene was a prank. Some street theater or flash mob thing. Then I realized it wasn’t and thought I better go do something. Then I realized who they had up there and kinda’ lost interest in helping. But I had to go to the bathroom anyway and there weren’t any porta-potties around, so it was sorta’ a win-win.”

Eventually police did arrive and a high-speed chase along 4th Avenue ensued, with 695 Percent members doing their best to block the progress of the police while their lead vehicle (a tow truck) sped on ahead, dragging Eyman, pillory and all, along the street, while he reportedly screamed, “I didn’t volunteer for this!”

Conservative talk show hosts were quick to attack the Seattle PD for their lackluster performance during the chase but police spokespersons were equally quick to point out that the level of police commitment to the chase was limited by law, due to a recently-passed citizen initiative restricting the use of city resources in rescue efforts of persons deemed to be, “a horse’s ass”.

The pursuit ended at the Space Needle, where a second group of 695 Percent members had apparently been positioned. Lying in wait with four actual draught animals, with the phrase,”horse’s ass” tattooed strategically across their buttocks. The horses were used in the final stage of the 695 political action, when Eyman was hung, drawn and quartered at the base of the Space Needle while gaggles of tourists in Tilley hats and Eddie Bauer windbreakers snapped photos and shared them worldwide.

After the execution, Eyman’s remains were spirited to the top of the Space Needle by a team of 695 guerrilla indoor rock climbers, who left them to be picked at by seagulls as a warning (according to an anonymous statement released later on the internet) that, “Wasting pubic money on nuisance initiatives is a permanent offense.”

A lot of unanswered questions remain after the incident. Who are the 695 Percent? Was this indeed just some sort of uber-violent flash mob activity brought on by the seemingly endless cycle of annoying and criminally stupid citizen’s initiatives? Or does the 695 Percent have some larger agenda? Was the medieval motif for the execution supposed to be some sort of statement about the medieval level of functioning governments have been reduced to by citizen-initiative-driven cutbacks, or are these just a bunch of nerds with too much time on their hands who’ve seen one too many episodes of Game of Thrones? Why feed the seagulls? And why did the fish treats they placed on Eyman’s remains to draw the birds in look like car tabs?

A lot of questions and few answers at this point, but one thing seems certain: it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an Eyman.

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