LEVANT — Leaders of the middle eastern militant group ISIS announced today that they will bake fried cronuts, a delicacy from a top secret original recipe, on their YouTube channel KittenMittens34.
After several unsuccessful attempts at recreating the tasty pastry, ISIS stumbled onto the secret recipe while infiltrating top level Pentagon and Kremlin information.
Previously, months of experimenting with cronut recipes within the ISIS cave laboratories had been uneventful, as their lead “volunteer” chemist could only come close to replicating the top secret recipe under the extreme temperatures and conditions. “The sand was always an issue,” the chemist confided under condition of anonymity.
“The Syrian Desert’s plentiful minerals kept giving it a special crunch, only suitable for apple fritters,” he continued, explaining as he gathered his belongings from the lab. “Occasional traces of blood also made it challenging to keep the exquisite fluffiness and coloration. The new recipe from the Pentagon is a game changer.”
Originally the Islamic extremists had hired a group of hackers to unearth Pentagon information on civilian casualties, as well as Kremlin influence in the Middle East. What they discovered instead was that both the U.S. and Russia had brokered a deal to share the secret recipe in exchange for a lunchtime cease-fire in Ukraine.
Spokesman for the Islamic State said, “Hundreds of bakeries around the world tried their hand but could only produce bittersweet knock-offs. We failed at first in our desert caves. But now we shall taste victory from our dessert caves.”