You Won’t Believe These 5 Other Innovative Uses for Bertha

It’s obvious by now that the Big Dig of Seattle’s waterfront has turned into a complete boondoggle. While it’s certainly hard to man up and admit that the city’s made a catastrophic error, to confess the project needs to stop immediately and a real alternative arise in its place, by now the cracks are showing. The real painful thing is that the city will lose all those cute pictures of Bertha The Hapless Boring Machine, and the opportunity for ribbon-cutting photo-ops to prove that politicians were there to see the disaster through to its ugly end.

While we at the Star appreciate the efforts of the Born Again Bertha crew and their exquisite designs to convert the 1,000 foot failed tunnel into a middle school and performing arts center, their highly viable project deals with the space rather than the machinery. Poor Bertha has worked so hard to prove her worth. Too, the public deserves to see their desires for a working Bertha come to fruition.

Fear not. Our staff have come up with five excellent uses for Bertha post-dig that all offer awesome photo-ops.

1. Food processor for Pike Place Market coleslaw.

Put that cutterhead to use for industry.


Think of the sales opportunities for the PDA!


2. Dental drill for the Wheedle.


Not only capable of smashing the Viaduct, The Wheedle is known to grow to the size of Mt Rainier every so often. Fortunately The Wheedle is a known vegetarian, so after eating his metaphoric rocks and Pike Place Marketâ„¢ coleslaw, he’ll need some dental work. Bertha can fill this function perfectly. It’s fail-safe, because it’s known not to drill too far into anything.

3. Advice consultant – she’s already on Twitter.

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It’s obvious that Bertha knows how to spend money, so she is more than qualified to become a financial consultant. And since she doesn’t need to sleep, she can work after hours in partnership with Eli Lilly to give advice on the proper use of Cialis. Everyone loves a big, long, hard drill.

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4. Summertime air conditioning for the waterfront.


Tourists piss and moan every year that Seattle gets so muggy. With all the leftover ice from Pike Place Fish, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be able to cool off the whole waterfront. With a slight modification we can even remove all the hot air from around the tourist area and pipe it into Ed Murray’s office where it can compete fairly with the mayor’s own.

5. Personal shuttle for Jan Drago and Tim Ceis.

It was always in the plan anyway. Rumors that a tunnel will be built between their houses so they can carry on their torrid affair are unconfirmed.


Categories Politics

Omar Willey was born at St. Frances Cabrini Hospital in Seattle and grew up near Lucky Market on Beacon Avenue. He believes Seattle is the greatest city on Earth and came to this conclusion by travelling much of the Earth. He is a junior member of Lesser Seattle and, as an oboist, does not blow his own trumpet. Contact him at omar [at] seattlestar [dot] net

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