Aries: Hold off on any major purchases until the New Moon arrives on Feb. 12th. And then you can go ahead and spend like a drunken sailor because we’ll be three weeks into the Trump administration so fuck it.
Taurus: That confrontation you’ve been avoiding becomes inescapable this week and you’ll need to gird your loins; you’re going to need every ounce of steel you’ve got in you; you must stand up tall and look her in the eye and say, “No, Grandma. That’s my goddamn pudding.” She’ll respect you for it.
Gemini: Don’t be coy. Everyone knows who farted. Step up, take the hit and move on, man. Move on.
Cancer: A young person really needs you this week. To buy them beer. Because their fake I.D. is for shit. Be there for them.
Leo: An exciting new phase of your life is about to begin. It’ll probably turn to shit like everything else you touch, but at least you’ll have those six hours or so of excitement.
Virgo: Nobody wants to hear your Paul Lynde impression. 96.2% of people alive on the planet have no concept of who Paul Lynde even was. Get some new material.
Libra: You gain a deeper understanding of the phrase, “Don’t get your panties in a bunch” this week when you literally get your panties in a bunch and learn precisely how painful that can be. See, bunched panties can goddamn grab stuff. Stuff that should not be grabbed.
Scorpio: A picture is worth a thousand words. So ¾ of a picture is worth 750 words. Math.
Sagittarius: You are truly an inspiration to everyone around you. Mostly, you inspire them to mutter, “What an asshole” to the guy in the next cubicle.
Capricorn: A fear you thought you’d conquered returns this week. It brought luggage and it’s planning on crashing on your couch for an indeterminate period of time. But this warning isn’t going to help you much because you don’t get metaphors.
Aquarius: Trying to lose weight? Here’s a trick: Every time you’re about to take a bite of food, picture your dog eating a cat turd.
Pisces: Now is the time to let go of the past. Because if you hold onto the past any longer, it’s going to become super awkward and the past is going to be creeped out by how long you’re holding onto it and then it’s going to notice that you’ve got a weird, inappropriate boner.