Aries: This week, while incredibly high, it hits you that “Aries” rhymes with “fairies” and that maybe you’re, like, this magical creature trapped in a mundane world and someday a unicorn will appear out of nowhere and you’ll ride off over the rainbow bridge. You should give up weed, ‘cause you’re not doing it right.
Taurus: A problem that’s been weighing on you for weeks is finally resolved this week, Taurus. Trump is still president, global warming is speeding up and cheese is still unhealthy, however, so don’t start getting all excited or anything.
Gemini: A white-chocolate mocha frappuccino is not fucking coffee.
Cancer: Remember, Cancer, if you want to protect yourself from identity theft, shredding documents isn’t enough. You also need to burn the shreds. And then make sure you cover your windows with tinfoil, so nobody can peek in and see the words on the shreds before they’re burnt.
Leo: Take time this week to let older relatives know how much they mean to you, Leo. Otherwise you risk Uncle Hector leaving his TV Guide collection to your cousin, Gary. That little prick. Like he appreciates TV Guide!
Virgo: This is a good week to get outside, Virgo. Get out of the house, enjoy the outdoors, take a dump in a field. Just go and be one with nature
Libra: Anyone who tells you that pancakes shouldn’t be eaten for dinner is no friend of yours, Libra. Don’t you forget that.
Scorpio: Are you an animal-lover, Scorpio? Great! Then you won’t mind the dozens of rats you discover in your basement this week.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians with children can look forward to reaching a precious parental milestone this week: the first time your child tells you just how full of shit you are. Don’t forget to scrapbook that one!
Capricorn: Take extra care on the job front this week, Capricorn. There’s a chance your manager might be thinking that
two bathroom attendants is overkill and you don’t want to be the one on the chopping block.
Aquarius: Good rule of thumb, Aquarius: If you puke on someone’s shoes, you oughtta apologize.
Pisces: This is not a great week for Pisces folks to travel. So grab a couple gallons of water and a bucket, lock yourself in your closet and bar the door.