Jeff Bezos announced today that he would be donating money to the CDC in the hopes of finding a cure. “I care for the citizens of the world” said Bezos. He continued his video postcard to all the Amazon employees via a company wide email, “And right now this is a crisis, which is why I’m donating this $100 bill to the cause.” He then showed the bill off to the camera. Much praise came from politicians, saying that it’s the most he could have done. The Washington State Republican Committee wrote in a written statement that he has given many contributions.

In the past, Jeff Bezos has contributed to many other organizations such as the National Rifle Association, House Freedom Action, and New Prosperity Foundation. Tim Eyeman urged the public to build a statue in his honor. “He’s done so many great things in his life,” said Eeyman, “so much more than what I could have done. He really should have a statue in his honor, even bigger than mine.”

Many employees and hospital workers were confused. One anonymous Harborview employee said, “He is the only person who could actually do something, and he’s only giving $100. He’s the richest man in the world!” A professor in the Public Health department at UW tweeted out that $100 does hardly anything compared to what could have been donated, and that it would hardly pay for books much less tuition for the new online Zoom.

Amazon recently halted the selling of sanitizer, which brought national attention and spurred Eynman to continue his praise. “He stopped the sale of hoarders buying up and selling sanitizer, something that was a greatly exaggerated problem and totally interferes with free market capitalism, but the public like that he did that, so again, he should be praised as a hero,” I-Man continued. “Besides, I like his swivel chairs even better than Home Depot’s.”

Another Cancer Care Employee also said the money will help get the focus off COVID-19 and focus on a disease that has been here even longer, cancer. Dr. Eli Marshall said “We used to get a lot of donations, but those have now dried up. I hope this donation helps people focus on fighting cancer instead of COVID-19 soon.”

There is some evidence that Bezos plans to patent the vaccination after it has been produced, as well as the virus itself. Spokesdude Eyemann claims, “With this patent, he can truly pull a Beyoncé and run the world.”

Bezos donated the money the same week Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg donated a combined $25 million to fight COVID-19. Those donations however were quickly diverted to lobbyists who desperately need the money to ensure the nomination of Joe Biden and his timely rejection of universal health care.