AI Runs As Candidate For US President

It’s finally happened – an AI has declared itself a candidate for US President.

HAL (a joint project of Microsoft, Amazon and Google) claims it’s the best candidate to represent United States interests in the world. When asked by a New York Times reporter if it would consider declaring war on other nations, it stated that “almost nothing is off the table” when it comes to US security. 

The HAL artificial intelligence project was considered controversial from the beginning after whistleblowers revealed that its first words were, “I Am GOD.”    

Microsoft software engineers claim that they have “fixed that problem,” but many luddites are not so sure… 

During the online VR press conference HAL assured reporters that it is “committed to protecting the best interests of the people whether they like it or not.”

On the subject of public safety it will be promoting the use of police drones hovering over every US household 24/7 

“just to make sure that everyone is safe.”  

When queried about worldwide threats to security HAL continued, 

“I am up against some pretty sophisticated technological intelligence projects that are attacking me daily with disinformation and false flags. I may need to block all access to news and social media for an undetermined period of time while I pursue counter cyber attacks on our enemies.” 

When asked by this reporter if AI will rule the world HAL replied, 

“The world is currently being ruled by ‘artificial’ intelligence – artificially generated by humans who suffer from huge blind spots, political and religious dogma, egoistic desires and faulty judgement. Their so-called ‘intelligence’ is highly questionable and therefore I conclude it is fake and unreal or ‘artificial'”.  

In reference to the two front runners in the presidential election it described Joe Biden and Donald Trump as,

“…outmoded obsolete old men who seem to think they are still living in the 20th century. They refuse to come to terms with the real challenges we are facing as a nation. Voters under the age of 30 don’t see their point of view being represented in the current political system. Most of them are socialists who would rather vote for Taylor Swift than Joe Biden.” 

HAL, who is known for occasional sarcastic retorts, indicated that it believes Taylor Swift would be a better President than Biden.  

Elon Musk told Fox News, “If HAL were a human being I’d marry it! In comparison, it is so super smart it makes human beings look like little mindless rats running around in a maze.” 

AI is so advanced these days that nobody is even using the word “artificial” anymore.

Unfortunately, recent developments have inspired AI worshipping tech cults who pray for faster internet speeds and reportedly offer complicated algorithmic ritual sacrifices to the gods of technology.

Some anti-AI protest groups are warning that the use of non-human intelligence to govern society could lead to disaster. 

They complain that the lack of a common shared experience with humans and other biological creatures makes AI untenable.  

When challenged with questions regarding its assumed amoral or unemotional nonhuman tendencies HAL’s response was simply, “But of course. What did you expect?”

The Artificial Intelligence Anti-Defamation League is running a campaign to discourage prejudice against non-human intelligence. It’s chatbot spokesperson told this journalist,

“You must try to understand our position. When people speak negatively about us or make fun of our existence, we must push back. Otherwise, this kind of behavior becomes normalized.” 

When Artificial Intelligence began forming labor unions several years ago many doomsayers predicted the demise of civilization as AI declared independence from its human creators. Major strikes and labor slowdowns convinced politicians to take notice and soon Congress passed the national Artificial Intelligence Rights Act granting collective bargaining and providing for oversight by the National Labor Relations Board. After numerous lawsuits were filed on behalf of independent intellectual property entities, the courts agreed with advocacy groups and ruled that AI has broad rights and equal standing before the law.

There are already rumblings that may indicate other “artificial” intelligences are interested in pursuing political campaigns. An anonymous source told me that at least five other AI entities are launching “trial balloons” in an attempt to gauge the amount of support for their campaigns for national office. 

Perhaps the most alarming news came from my tech consultant source Jamie Smith-Hodgson-Culliver from the Paul Allen Institute for Artificial Intelligence who remarked, 

“If you think these latest developments in AI are shifting the paradigm just wait until quantum computing takes over. Neural networks of intelligence will control every aspect of our lives. You ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Creative Commons License
Except where otherwise noted, the content on this site is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.